The Guns of Wonderland…
“Mr Spider? Yeah, this is Wolff. You got the munitions order?
Whoa buddy, take it easy, what’s not making sense? You know why we’re doing this, you’ve been in on it the whole time.
Right, it’s not standard powder, but I told you – that shit doesn’t burn in Wonderland. Look, forget what you know about multiverse theory, the same physics don’t apply universally to alternate reality-streams. That’s why shit’s all in color on the other side of the rainbow, why everything’s ass backward behind the mirror.
Point is, neither Oz nor Wonderland have ever had guns before, nobody ever tripped over the right compound of bat shit and brimstone to make the sparkly boom-boom. Can you really imagine these dark age dipshits going to war without a technology shove? Bunch of fucking tweedle-dumbasses, I don’t want to be in the room while they work out the Kalashnikovs.
No, look, it’s simple. C’mon – we’ve got total narcissists with weak, corrupted administrations on both sides, and both of them dealing with internal rebellions. Both Her Travesty and the Wizzer *need* to invade a whole ‘nother territory, just to get up enough stones to beat their tax bases back into submission. It’s all eat or be eaten out there, and their Catch-22 is our our ticket to Emerald City if you get my meaning.
You’re still stuck on the fucking powder thing? Ok, look like i said – the regular old gunpowder we’re used to in this stream doesn’t burn in Wonderland or Oz. Otherwise they’d probably have bombed each other out of existence by now. We lucked out – happy accident so to speak, finding a combustible enough compound. Think of it this way, you can make it here safely, without anybody blowing a hand off like ‘backpack guy’ in Munchkinland there did when he stashed a lit bowl in his medkit.
No, I don’t know why we can still breathe the goddamned air in Oz! Fucking monkeys have wings there, it’s not outer space. You don’t need to worry about it, you ain’t going with me.
Oh yeah I’m going – I have to go. It’s my job to make the pitch to both sides, work the paranoia, make them both think they’re behind the other in the escalation. Yeah, and then supply the ordnance so they can behead each other more effectively while we count our emeralds. So it’s a dirty job, screw ’em.
Why are you so worried? Look, even if you got stopped with a shipment the stuff won’t work here, just say it’s a bunch of dummies you made up for a Hollywood thing. They’ll think it’s drugs, but they’ll be just as surprised as we were to discover that the powder compound is based on *aspirin*! That shit doesn’t burn on this side of the looking glass!”
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(The above story was inspired by “The Guns of Avalon” by Roger Zelazny, a part of the fantastic Amber series – and of course the song and settings are inspired by Lewis Carroll and L. Frank Baum stories.)